Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, suicide or substance abuse crisis, or emotional stress, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) 24/7 by calling or texting 988 or using the chat services at suicidepreventionlifeline.org to connect with a trained crisis counselor. You can also get crisis text support through the Crisis Text Line by texting NAMI to 741741.
Constant fear of disappointment.
Have you ever felt like you are drowning while everyone around you is breathing? You are captured and held captured by the thoughts that go through your mind. Your body is dragged down, down, down… to a place of darkness, cold and silence. Like the ocean, and it suffocates you. You do your very best to keep your head above water, but your mind won’t let you. It has utter check about you.
You look in the mirror in front of you and don’t recognize the person looking back at you. You see dark circles under your bloodshot eyes and notice that you have lost all color in your face. You want to crawl back into bed and not face the day ahead… hoping tomorrow will be better. But that is impossible. So you stick a smile on your face and wipe your tear-stained cheeks as you drag yourself through the day…counting down the hours until you can lie down and escape the world again.
You are exhausted. So exhausted. It’s a permanent feeling of exhaustion that no amount of sleep can ever fix. And the only thing that makes you more exhausted is pretending you are Okay. You feel that way only. You could have so many people in your life who care about you, yet you feel like they do nobody. Some people around you may notice that there is something different about you and ask you “Are you okay?”. Every time you lie to them and say you are doing fine, and you just die a little more inside.
You have the constant fear of being a disappointment to your family, friends, teachers, coaches, and boss. Yet you have no desire to put in any effort something. You feel like you want to be alone, but hate feeling lonely. You experience all these feelings at the same time and yet you are all of it numb.
You want to be happy, but you don’t even remember what that feeling is like. You want to feel hope that you will find your way back to your true self. You want to control your mind and it doesn’t control you. You want win the battle with the constant battle in your head.
“That’s the problem with depression: a person can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it gets worse daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” Elizabeth Wurtzel
Many people may not know how to help someone with depression or are concerned about someone they know is depressed. The link below is a good start to understanding depression in a friend or family member, the symptoms one can recognize, how to talk to someone about depression, what to avoid saying to someone who may be depressed, what one should do in a crisis situation, how to encourage someone to seek help, how to support them during their treatment, and also know how to take care of yourself.
If you’re thinking about suicide, worried about a friend or loved one, or want emotional support, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network is available 24/7 in the US.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
National de Prevention del Suicidio 1-888-628-9454
Options for Deaf + Hard of Hearing 1-800-799-4889
Veterans crisis line 1-800-273-8255
Emergency helpline in case of disasters 1-800-985-5990