Thursday, September 28, 2023

I Found $20 In My Old Pants And I’m Ready To Take Over Robinhood

Must read

Shreya Christina
Shreya has been with for 3 years, writing copy for client websites, blog posts, EDMs and other mediums to engage readers and encourage action. By collaborating with clients, our SEO manager and the wider team, Shreya seeks to understand an audience before creating memorable, persuasive copy.

Robinhood is trading just over $10 a share as of this release, which is about 73 percent lower than its IPO price, $38. Its market cap is now less than $10 billion. Friends, it is possible. The more the stocks fall, the easier it is for the memestonkers to grab. How would a bunch of small investors grab Robinhood? Why not use DAO?

There has been lots of speculation this year — especially after the first round of layoffs, when Robinhood laid off 9 percent of its staff — that the app-based trading service is an attractive takeover target. Yesterday, Robinhood cut further cuts: nearly a quarter of its remaining staff, including the ostentatious chief product officer they got from Google. It also announced its earnings a day earlier, showing declining revenue, monthly active users and assets in custody.

Robinhood’s big sell was to democratize finance, remember? Fuck AMC and GameStop, my internet addicted monkey friends. It’s time to seize the resources to invest: RobinhoodDAO. I admit that The edge‘s ethical policy prevents me from owning cryptocurrencies, but don’t let that stop you from taking my bad ideas seriously. Want to prove to the world that DAOs are big and important? Time for a corporate raid.

Well, Robinhood’s bleeding monthly active users – in the second quarter of 2022, they had a third less than a year earlier. But here is something nice about Robinhood’s young user group: They are getting older. Usually old people have more money than young people. So let’s assume some churn, but if we can keep a third of these kids, especially the ones who already have money, can we make up for the long-term loss of user numbers through, er, compound interest? This makes financial sense at least as much as Elon Musk’s takeover of Twitter, so I look forward to the calls from banks for debt financing.

We must strike while the iron is hot because I think Sam Bankman-Fried is also interested and he has a lot more money. SBF has been busy with acquisitions lately, and Bloomberg reports he kicks the tires of Robinhood. Although my unruly curly hair is more luscious than his, I don’t think shareholders will make their decision that way. Plus SBF – as it is known – already has a stake of 7.6 percent.

And if we don’t get along, we’ll have more to worry about than SBF. Look, if he buys Robinhood, they don’t have to flip the company at all – it can stay DraftKings, but for stock. But when you think about your JPMorgans and your Charles Schwabs and your Morgan Stanleys, well, it might be worth buy market share at The Youngs.

Now, of course, two-thirds of the voting rights for Robinhood are concentrated among the Merry Men, founders Vlad Tenev and Baiju Bhatt. We can solve that too. They’ve paid a lot of lip service to financial inclusion, so I suggest we give them what they want: an exciting think tank working on financial inclusion. They can give TED Talks and host conferences and are generally welcomed. That will probably be good enough, because if there’s one line to Tenev’s public appearances, it’s that he desperately wants the public to like him.

You say, Liz, what about the regulatory burden? Didn’t they just get fined like, $30 Million For Violating Anti-Money Laundering Laws On Their Cryptocurrency Stuff? is it not Gary Gensler kicks them repeatedlyhoping to distract everyone from the Securities and Exchange Commission’s disastrous passivity On cryptocurrency scams? Yes, my child, yes. But here’s the thing: with risk comes reward! That’s the whole proposition of investing!

Oh, I just found $20 in another pair of pants. Great, we can add that to the offer! But we’d better hurry or SBF and his under-hydrated hair take Robinhood before you and I have a chance to have any fun at all.

So let’s start a DAO. make one Dune series is a loser shit – let’s screw up the finances. We go to the Virgin Islands or something, and then we raise a lot of money. Maybe we can introduce a “utility token” for this, where one token equals one vote, and we can get people to speculate about the token, then strategically release our reserves to raise even more money. Robinhood said it wanted to democratize finance. Let’s take the company at its word.

More articles

Latest article