It is the celebration of our great nation, and you are all invited.
It’s basically the middle of the summer season and all you’ve seen is the inside of your booth. You’re drowning in business casual attire, and if you’re a fool, you’ve spent your 9-5 hangover drinking coffee. It goes without saying that summer is no longer all it used to be. If you’re a working ‘real’ person this summer, you haven’t worn your letters in a long time… your boss doesn’t necessarily like a dress and a homemade lunch packed in a painted cooler box, so you’ve been oppressed the Greek party animal inside. The beer-hungry Ke$ha-hungry beast has memorized all indulgences and you are tired of being a slave to the man, the clock, and the income tax. So when you see Fourth of July on the horizon, the promise of game after game, drink for a day and girls scantily clad in color-matched clothes hangs in the air:
1. You finally have more than two days to get drunk this weekend: Praise the founders that the 4e falls on a Friday this year. A three-day weekend means more drinking and more beach time. Cheers Benjamin!
2. You always have appropriate clothes to wear: Fortunately, your fraternity or sorority is always designing at least one v-neck or tank that incorporates your letters in a cheesy way into a cliché American slogan
3. Everyone is chilling, even the police: Even though school is out for the summer, that college police radar installed in you is on high alert…especially when the armed forces and friends are everywhere you go with their steins and American Flag T-shirts from Gap . Hey, the po-po are free Americans too. They too want to proudly fly their American colors and throw back a few beers.
4. You can sing Wagon Wheel as many times as you want, maybe even enough until you really know the lyrics.
5. Every home has an open door policy: Even if you’re not their frat brother and don’t have the money for the cover, Fourth of July shows us the bigger picture. Everyone knows the secret US handshake – iPhone in one hand, drank in the other, you can’t even shake hands, so everything is fine. Welcome my American brothers!
6. Chubbies are a hot item: Heck, they’re even encouraged. Your thighs need a tan and ‘Merica doesn’t have enough stars or stripes to cover the right amount of you. So go ahead, girls aren’t the only ones who can wear short shorts!
7. Aside from a family wedding, it is the only other holiday suitable for a day of drinking with your parents, extended family, and frankly any person who is 20 years older than you.
8. Eating the 4th is definitely the perfect drunken food. (It’s just a plus that it also fits into this weekend’s party allowance)
9. It gives your parties purpose, which is why you can go extra hard. Nothing wrong with a week-end celebrating the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Plus, you can finally listen to those EDM beats (you know the cool songs you found on Sound Cloud and blasted off your ipod on your daily commute), out loud and be the trendy kid of the post game. with the undercover super sick songs.
10. When you accidentally sing your sorority song and throw up your gang sign, don’t be ashamed because you know frat and srat stars all over the US are with you.